I don't know why I'm doing this...

my sister and I recently decided to start a fashion blog, and I've been trying to work on my writing skills. I can spell, I know grammar, but is what I write enjoyable? I don't think so.
I just got inspired to write about a much, much talked about story in my life. I've lived in this apartment since October I think, and we're still getting some things together little by little- such as my "office" that is within my closet. I'm always trying to scale down and pare down my belongings. today I went to Ikea and got a few new things to organize my desk with, so I began sorting books, notebooks, etc to organize them.
well, January of last year, I began a diary. of course I write things online from time to time, but sometimes when you get home from a long day, it's much more comfortable to curl up in bed with a physical pen and paper in your hand and jot down your feelings. I was inspired by F. Scott Fitzgerald's daily logs, so I bought a moleskine notebook and every once in a while (i.e. about once a month) would write an entry. the book only spans 29 pages, front and back, and begins on an undated page, which I believe to be early January, and ends on June 22, 2009.
This journal became a became a very sore subject for me, and I think my intention was to stow it away and forget about it. there is no way I could continue to write in it, given its history.
it basically chronicles the relationship between John and I for six months. I feel that because of the way he portrayed our "relationship", a lot of his friends didn't realize how serious it was. I don't think anyone could fathom how hurt I was during the time I knew him; how many times I stayed up late on the phone talking to friends, balling my eyes out, because of how he treated me. this book chronicles all of the times he said he was going to call, and didn't; the times he didn't contact me, via email/myspace/twitter/text/phone/etc for WEEKS at a time, and expected me to "wait" for him, and would call me after weeks and apologize and expect everything to be ok; how much anguish I felt. I really have a hard time paraphrasing what I wrote in the book... going through the pages, I cried. I don't have feelings for him anymore, but I would be a liar if I said I didn't think about him from time to time. it's so hard to put into words... I don't easily let myself get wrapped up in a boy. I know my own limitations, and I would never let myself become consumed by a boy who was out of my reach, due to his job.
but I hadn't met a boy in a long time who I shared so much in common with. a boy who told me he loved me, who said "you'll never know how much I love you" on many occasions... who told me he couldn't wait for me to meet his parents, who told me he was going to take a year off after touring and move to Philadelphia and in his words, not mine, said we were going to be a couple.
the whole time I knew John, I was constantly let down. I was working two jobs, and at the time I wrote this journal, interning on top of it. I had rent and bills to keep up with, a roommate I couldn't stand, and a fledgling social life due to my busy schedule. I didn't really have the time, nor the urge, to go out and try to date or meet new people. John was the person who could read my mind... he knew when I was about to give up, when I was about to crack, when I had bawled my eyes out over him, and that's when he would call. somehow, he always knew.
I really don't think anyone understands... it all started when I met John on craigslist of all places. I posted an ad about looking for vegan friends because I was brand new to the city. this was summer/fall 2007!!! I was in my first quarter at AI and I was dead-set on moving to the city and meeting vegans. he replied to my email and attached a photo. he explained to me that he was on the road due to his job, and our conversation eventually tapered off. basically, I had forgotten all about him. I was continuing on with my education, exploring the city, and I totally forgot about this boy! it wasn't until spring 2008 that we met. I remember this because it was right after I'd called it quits with Dave. the first time I met John, I invited him over to my house. not a smart decision- inviting someone from the internet over to your house the first time you meet them, that is- but I'll never forget that encounter. he told me he was tall, but I didn't realize he was THAT tall. we both squeezed onto my tiny loveseat in the living room and christina was home, so she met him. from the second he sat down we started talking. I remember Durrock was living with me at the time, so I asked him to leave and go make busy while my guest was over. we never stopped talking for what seemed like hours... there wasn't a single awkward silence, nothing. we talked about our families, our previous jobs... he had tons of funny stories and I remember laughing so hard. I remember he eventually put his hand on my knee and it made me a littl uncomfortable. after that initial meeting it was obvious that we would hang out again. and we did. after a couple of weeks he told me he was due back on tour again, so we tried to make the most out of our time together. when he left, I honestly don't remember how we decided to leave things. I remember the first time he told me he loved me, was via TEXT MESSAGE while he was on one of his many tours. I replied back to it, and even though it was really late at night, he immediately called me and we talked like giddy high school kids.
so we first "talked" via email fall '07, we met for the first time in person spring '08, and I heard from him the last time fall '09.
I remember he was home in July for the 4th. that was when he promised he was going to "spend 9 days with me". we were going to spend the 4th together. I remember the previous summer, we were still getting to know each other, and we did our own separate things with our friends on the 4th. so I really wanted to spend this one with him. he led me on all day. I didn't get to see him until late that night, maybe an hour before the fireworks show. I met him and Trista near logan square and he was drunk. once I saw him, I just wanted to leave. after the fireworks, I left. I decided to walk home, and it was terrifying. but I did it because I was so mad at him. I almost hoped that I was attacked, so I could blame it on him. I remember calling bryan and crying.
so he left for tour again. I moved into a new apartment in September, and I hadn't heard from him since he left for that tour. it was really, really hard on me. I was stressed at work, school, and with the move, and to top it off, it had literally been over a month since I'd heard from him. I remember one day at work, he texted me and said he was going to call me that night. I didn't take that with a grain of salt because every time he said he was going to call, he didn't. so, of course he didn't call me that night. a couple of days later though, he did call. it was really awkward. he started out with small-talk. asking me about my new apartment, how things had been, and I found myself rattling off my list of problems when I stopped and said wait- what's with the small talk? why did you stop talking to me? and he confessed that he had moved to pittsburgh. i had absolutely no knowledge of this. remember, he said that when he finished tour, he was going to move to philly and be with me. those were his words. he told me that, reinforced that, more times than I can count. and that is what really, really tore me apart. I wasted over a year of my life trying to stay true to him, because he asked me to and led me on with his grand schemes, and he finishes touring... and settles HOURS away from me?!???! I still can't even accurately express in words how much this hurt me. out of everything he put me through, every failed promise, everything... this is what has always resonated with me. I will never forget this. he had the nerve to say I should take a bus up and visit him. and I said, for what reason? what will that solve? what was he trying to do to me now? and he started crying, but I didn't this time. I stood my ground. it tore me up inside, but I wasn't going to let him get the best of me again.
we ended that conversation with a long pause, and we said goodnight. by the way, he called me at around 2AM. I had just fallen asleep, so I wasn't totally alert and was not ready for the bomb he dropped on me about pittsburgh.
some time passed... not a lot, I don't really know how long. and he texted me while I was at work. he said "it's killing us [my emphasis], not being together". at this point... I felt, how dare he assume that I still feel the same way about him after what he did to me. of course, deep down, I would have still given my left leg to start over and be with him at this point, but I couldn't let him know that. so, i said something along the lines of "I have this feeling that things will never become what I had always hoped they would". he sent me another message, and that was the last time I ever heard from john.

fast-forward to a few weeks ago. I go to bob and barbara's every friday. it's a dive bar on south st. nothing for anyone to get excited about. sure, I think most people should go there at least once, but the only reason I ever really started going there religiously was because the raven lounge became too trashy and I wanted to see steve, who bartends at b&b's every friday. all of my friends know I go every friday...hell, even my parents know. john's former roommates knew, because I had take them there multiple times (especially trista). so, it was a normal friday night. I was in a really good mood because we had had a pizza party at my house and amie came over, and then we headed over to the bar. I saw John's former roommate mark, and it was one of those awkward 'I know this guy but not very well but we just made eye contact and he knows who I am so I would be a jerk not to at least say hello' situations, so I said hey mark, how are you doing, good? good, ok, move on. I ordered a vodka cranberry. a little while later, amie went outside to scope some info on steve, and out of nowhere, trista walked over. pretty much when john stopped talking to me was when trista stopped talking to me. i remember we were supposed to go out for drinks one night and she blew me off and after that I never made an effort to hang out with her again. so it's all smiles and hugs and small talk. I'm starting to think the situation is a little fishy, but whatever. amie comes back in, I introduce her to trista, and then trista walks away. I look over amie's shoulder and follow trista's path, and see john standing over in the corner.
out of any bar in the entire city of philadelphia, why did they have to come to MY bar? the only bar I go to on fridays, 9/10 times. seriously. and all of them knew that, but had the nerve to show up. and, the worst part of the entire evening, is that mark knew john was on his way, yet didn't say anything. if mark had told me, I surely would have left. when trista came over to talk to me, she had the nerve to small-talk me and didn't tell me he was there. when I saw him, I had a panic attack. I ran outside and started crying, and amie and my other friends told me I should be the bigger person and stay. so i did. I walked up to the bar and instructed steve that I was having crisis, and told him to make me the strongest drink he could and keep them coming. he proceeded to fill a pint glass with whiskey, and I drank it all, and many others. at the end of the night I was wasted and taking shots with steve when trista had the nerve to come over and talk to me and pull her whole "call me sometime/let's hang out" spiel. I wish I wasn't so drunk because I don't remember a whole lot of what she said. I do remember her saying he's not worth it/ he's my best friend but he makes a terrible boyfriend/ you're better than that. all things I've heard a million times over. apparently I was at the bar until almost 3 with steve.
I was so drunk i could barely walk, so amie literally dragged me home. I broke down in tears and had to lay on the sidewalk. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. all of these thoughts and memories about john came flooding back, all of the lies he told me that I had tried so, so hard to put behind me. amie got me home, god bless her, and she woke up janice because I was such a mess. they sat me down and tried to calm me down. by the time they carried me downstairs to put me to bed it was after 5am. amie left. when I woke up, I had a 2-page long text message from john.
now, a few months ago, RIGHT after john and I stopped talking, I had to change my number (not due to him; my parents changed carriers) and as part of my "coping" I decided to not give him my number. since he and I are not friends on facebook, myspace, ANYTHING anymore, I don't know how he could've gotten my cell phone number, except if trista gave it to him, or hopefully he took it without her knowing, because if she gave it to him that would make it worse. I felt so violated, that the one person I had tried for months to delete from my life now had my phone number. so, I thought about it long and hard, consulted the friends, and decided not to reply. the message wasn't really all that good anyway. he sort of tried to apologize, but not really, because he never was very good at apologizing.